Saturday, November 5, 2011

From the Private and Personal Diary of Lotus Louise Klapper

Entry # 6
National Colors Day
Mrs. Klapper said I absolutely, positively cannot paint my bedroom purple. She is what’s known as an Infidel, but believe me she didn’t like being called that. I was as patient as any Queen anywhere has ever been. I explained to her that my bedroom is my Sacred Domain but she was unmoved by logic. I may have to resort to threats. In any case, she has forbidden me to buy paint. That will not deter me. I’m experimenting with Magic Markers. 

On the minus side, it’s a very slow process. 

On the plus side, it works. 

The wall behind my bed has been magic(marker)ally transformed — stripes of red, orange, green, blue and lots and lots of purple. It took me three hours to get the right effect but it was worth it. A Queen has to set a high standard. My subjects look up to me (except for the Mrs. Klappers and the Mr. Loomises of the world). 

As for Mr. Loomis, I have come up with a diabolical scheme to drive him mad — and hopefully convince him to quit teaching at Rising Creek Middle School. And to leave the Nation of Lotus forever. I will write more about that later, right now it’s still in the planning stages.
Mrs. Klapper has aligned herself with the powerful force of Mr. Klapper (a.k.a. my father). I had hoped to win him over as an ally but so far he is under the very mistaken notion that this is all some sort of a joke. 

At dinner tonight he called me Princess Princess which, according to him, is hilarious. What is the opposite of hilarious? That's what Mr. Klapper is. He offered to build me a moat in the backyard, which is also extremely not funny, although the backyard is a giant mud hole right now and if I had swine they’d be very happy there. 

Perhaps I will make Mr. and Mrs. Klapper my official swineherd and swinherdess and make them live in the shed. Except we don't have a shed, so they could live in the garage. 

If only they realized how merciful I am. 

They should be kissing my toes in gratitude.

To be continued . . .