From the Private and Personal Diary of Lotus Louise Klapper

Entry # 8

National Protect Yourself Day

At school today Mr. Harold P. Loomis, a.k.a. The Gnome of Rising Creek Middle School, gave one of his spittle lectures. That means if you're unlucky enough to be sitting in the first three rows of math class you will drown in Mr. Loomis’s spit. 

As The Queen of Lotus Nation you'd think I could do something to spare myself and my loyal subjects from the Degradation of the Beast Creature, but unfortunately my powers — vast though they be — do not yet extend to Room 208 in Rising Creek Middle School. 

I put both my hands in the position of “Warding Off Evil,” exactly as Becky Waller-Klein taught me (“Make the sign of two horns and point them at your intended victim”) but it didn’t work. Mr. Loomis did not fall down in a fit. I made the sign of two horns, under my desk, for the entire period and nothing happened. 

I am in great despondency. 

Godiva looks really cute with pink hair.

To be continued . . . 

From the Private and Personal Diary of Lotus Louise Klapper

Entry #7

National Hair Alteration Day

Mrs. Klapper is leading an insurrection. She has  gotten Mr. Klapper entirely on her side and these two serfs have forbidden me (ha!) to dye my hair blue. 

Godiva Sheridan’s mother, who is a psycho-therapist, let her dye her hair pink. Mrs. Sheridan knows how important it is for a growing person to have Freedom of Expression. If she weren’t so old I would let her be one of my Ladies in Perpetual Waiting. She is the only decent grown up I know, except for my Grandma Iris. Naturally, Mr. and Mrs. Klapper hate Mrs. Sheridan, although they try to deny it. (“I don’t hate anyone,” Mrs. Klapper says. Double ha.)

I said if I couldn’t have blue hair then I should at least be able to get my navel pierced. Mrs. Klapper started to cry. She acts like that’s some holy part of the body. I told her “Please stop saying ‘belly button,’ Mrs. Klapper, the proper word is navel.” 

She said if I don’t call her Mom or Mother I shouldn't call her anything at all. We are now totally not speaking. 

Mr. Klapper is spending more and more time at work. He said the atmosphere at home is no longer conducive to his well-being. I don't know what he's talking about. I may have to make him my Minister of Foreign Affairs and send him off to some other planet. Let's see how conducive that is to his well-being. 

To be continued . . . 

From the Private and Personal Diary of Lotus Louise Klapper

Entry # 6

National Colors Day

Mrs. Klapper said I absolutely, positively cannot paint my bedroom purple. She is what’s known as an Infidel, but believe me she didn’t like being called that. I was as patient as any Queen anywhere has ever been. I explained to her that my bedroom is my Sacred Domain but she was unmoved by logic. I may have to resort to threats. In any case, she has forbidden me to buy paint. That will not deter me. I’m experimenting with Magic Markers. 

On the minus side, it’s a very slow process. 

On the plus side, it works. 

The wall behind my bed has been magic(marker)ally transformed — stripes of red, orange, green, blue and lots and lots of purple. It took me three hours to get the right effect but it was worth it. A Queen has to set a high standard. My subjects look up to me (except for the Mrs. Klappers and the Mr. Loomises of the world). 

As for Mr. Loomis, I have come up with a diabolical scheme to drive him mad — and hopefully convince him to quit teaching at Rising Creek Middle School. And to leave the Nation of Lotus forever. I will write more about that later, right now it’s still in the planning stages.

Mrs. Klapper has aligned herself with the powerful force of Mr. Klapper (a.k.a. my father). I had hoped to win him over as an ally but so far he is under the very mistaken notion that this is all some sort of a joke. 

At dinner tonight he called me Princess Princess which, according to him, is hilarious. What is the opposite of hilarious? That's what Mr. Klapper is. He offered to build me a moat in the backyard, which is also extremely not funny, although the backyard is a giant mud hole right now and if I had swine they’d be very happy there. 

Perhaps I will make Mr. and Mrs. Klapper my official swineherd and swinherdess and make them live in the shed. Except we don't have a shed, so they could live in the garage. 

If only they realized how merciful I am. 

They should be kissing my toes in gratitude.

To be continued . . . 

From the Private and Personal Diary of Lotus Louise Klapper

Entry # 5

A Day of Troubles (no scheduled celebrations)

Things are not going too well with Mrs. Klapper. She was downright insubordinate today and called me “Your Royal Heinie” in a very snotty tone. She thinks she’s so funny but everyone knows women of her age have lost their sense of humor. I wouldn’t even let her audition to be my Court Jester if I were holding auditions, which I’m not because I already gave that job to Godiva Sheridan. 

Godiva was feeling bad that she didn’t get to be my Chief Lady in Perpetual Waiting, but I have three best friends and they can’t all be my Chief. Avis Beam, who I've known practically since the day I was born, is my best-best friend and that has to count for something. I made Becky Waller-Klein my Enforcer (her height is finally coming in handy) so that makes Godiva the Jester, which works out perfectly because she is really, truly funny. 

It’s not easy keeping all my subjects happy all of the time. Which is why I need Becky as my Enforcer, for when people step out of line. I will not put up with rebellion of any sort and that goes for Mr. Harold P. Loomis as well as Mrs. Klapper.

Mr. Loomis seems to think that everyone — including the Queen of All — must learn the metric system. He was adamant. And apoplectic. I’m thinking of having him decapitated. 

In the meantime, Mrs. Klapper is trying to limit my telephone privileges. 

She has no idea who she’s dealing with. I might just have to banish her.

To be continued . . . 

From the Private and Personal Diary of Lotus Louise Klapper

Entry #4

National Anthem Day

My mother (from now on to be referred to as Mrs. Klapper) is having a hard time adjusting to our new roles. I told her I am no longer her daughter but her Sovereign Queen, to which Mrs. Klapper responded with a word that would have gotten her thrown into the dungeon if I weren’t such an Enlightened Monarch. 

I explained that the transition might be tough on her at first, seeing as how she’s not used to being a subject, but now that I am Queen of All there will have to be some changes made around here. Mrs. Klapper told me to go to my room. I told her that I would go to “my chamber” to give her time to cool off. 

I trust she’s using her time well but I don’t have a lot of hope for her. I can hear her throwing things around in the kitchen this very minute and that’s not a good sign. 

I probably shouldn’t try to get her to learn the National Anthem of Lotus. Since I haven’t finished writing it yet, that’s not really a problem. 

What is a problem is that I have got to make Mrs. Klapper stop calling me WeezieSqueezie. If a Queen doesn’t get respect in her own castle than what’s the use of being a Queen?

To be continued . . . 

From the Private and Personal Diary of Lotus Louise Klapper

Entry #3

National Bumper Roses Day

Today I, Lotus Louise Klapper, and my best friends Avis Beam, Becky Waller-Klein and Godiva Sheridan, will wander among the cars in the faculty parking lot of Rising Creek Middle School and when we find a car with a cool bumper sticker we'll put a rose under the windshield wipers as a special commendation for wit, originality, outrageousness and/or excellence. 


It will not be hard for us to get a lot of roses for free because National Bumper Roses Day just accidentally coincidentally on purpose falls on the day when all the garbage cans are overflowing with slightly-used roses. This most clever of ideas was thought up by none other than Avis Beam and for her brilliance she has been awarded the title of Chief Lady in Perpetual Waiting. 

Now Becky and Godiva have incentive to be equally clever and if they are they will be suitably rewarded. But if they are not they run the risk of severe demotion. Times are hard and life is tough and the sooner they learn these facts the better off they will be. 

I didn’t receive a Valentine’s Day card from Kenny Bergermeister. I think that somehow he still doesn’t know who I am. I will have to do something about this. 

I did receive a card from Max Rainwater. He didn't sign it but I could tell by the smell. Pickles. Yuck. I hope that by ignoring him, he'll eventually go away. But if I have to take more decisive action I am certainly prepared to do so. 

I am Lotus Louise Klapper, Queen of All. Some people may call me the Queen of Mean but they better not let me hear them say that. 

To be continued . . . 

From the Private and Personal Diary of Lotus Louise Klapper

Entry # 2

National No Rulers Day

On this day all the people in the Sovereign Nation of Lotus will be forced to put away their rulers and promise to never again wave them around in the air like lethal weapons of doom and destruction, frightening the innocent children who just happen to be in their math class.

This is particularly true of Mr. Harold P. Loomis at Rising Creek Middle School. 

If Mr. Harold P. Loomis disobeys this edict he will have to face the consequences. I, Lotus Louise Klapper, Empress of All I See, will let it be known throughout the land that no one may talk to him. Mr. Harold P. Loomis will be shunned, just like in that book we read in Literary Arts class, and he will suffer greatly. 

If Mr. Harold P. Loomis realizes the error of his ways and begs to be allowed back into Lotus Nation it will depend on what kind of mood I’m in. I’m pretty sure I will be in a terrible mood and say no. But if I say yes it will have conditions. 

Mr. Harold P. Loomis will get the maximum number of demerits and be sent to detention for a very long time, which will be nearly impossible for him to endure because he has no strength of character.

I still haven't decided what to do with all the rulers that will no longer be used, but I'm sure I'll think of something wonderful. I won't let them be called rulers, though. I am the one and only Ruler of the Sovereign Nation of Lotus.

To be continued . . .